being forced to make a change...

I am currently being forced to make a change. Several actually. Anyone who knows me knows there are a few things I simple to NOT like:
1- Being told/forced to do something.
2-Change.
3-Uncertainty.

About a month ago I was laid off from a job I loved that I had been doing for just over seven years. (Now, when I say "loved" I mean that I enjoyed the people I worked with and felt as though I was making a difference in the world and that I helped promote a cause I believe in.)
Now, for the first time since I was eight years old (yes, eight) I find myself unemployed. No job. No direction. No set schedule.

Forced change.

Uncertainty.


I have learned so much during the past month, about myself, about things I need to change.

1-I have found the whole series of events both freeing and stressful. Freeing because I can do whatever I want with my days, no schedule, no accountability to anyone. Stressful because I have no schedule, no accountability to anyone.

2-I've been telling myself for years that I'm a people person, that I get energy from being around others. Honestly, I thought it was a line I was telling myself because of the necessity to be around people. I'd often come home so tired at the end of the day that I really thought that people drained me.. you know, actually being NICE to people. So, the lesson I learned: I really am a people person and really do get energy and motivation from being around other people. When my roommate is home studying, I get more done. It's almost magical how much better I can concentrate. When I'm around people, I can hardly stop talking, just blabbing on and on. PLUS, I'm funnier. I know, it's hard to believe, but I think because I spend a limited time with actual people that my best material just flows out effortlessly.

3- I prefer going to the temple in the middle of the day in the middle of the week.

4- I am a ridiculous procrastinator.

5- I am afraid of more things than I ever knew.

6- I am strongly motivated by fear.

7- I am stronger than I realized.

I plan on taking that last lesson and putting it to the test. I’m not a fan of change, but now that I’m faced with it, I’ll be it’s fiercest ally. I’ll find whatever it is that God has in store for me, I’ll accept the challenge and even if it scares the crap out of me, I’ll conquer it. THAT is my new resolution, my new challenge.

There’s just something about being forced to make a change.

...making a commitment.

I have commitment issues.

I know, shocker.

How is it possible a fabulous 33 year old girl (cause I can't quite get myself to type "woman." It's like when someone calls you "Ma'am" or "Lady" as in "That lady helped me" it made me feel old when I was 18, it makes me feel worse now.)

How is it possible that I could be single and 33 and not have commitment issues?

Case in point, this blog. Notice the last time I posted? August. August 26. Officially 2 1/2 months ago. People meet and get married in shorter time. (Clearly, not people with commitment issues.)

So, as I was looking over the blogs of my fabulous friends, I realized that this is a commitment I should keep. I started it, I should finish it.

My dad has a saying: "If not me, who? If not now, when?"

I've decided I need to reinstate that mantra BACK into my life. Mostly because if I can't keep commitments I make to myself, (going to bed, going to the gym, reading my scriptures, staying within my budget) how do I expect to be able to keep commitments to anyone else? Or have I just been putting myself at the bottom of my priority list? Have I been keeping commitments to everyone else before keeping commitments to myself?

So here's the great experiment. I commit to blog again by Sunday. I suppose if I can't commit to blogging for myself, perhaps I can commit to blogging because I'm committing to all of you, my friends. (Wow, just typing this, putting it out there, scary, I've nearly deleted five times... cause if I say this, I really have to do it.)

It's just one step.

One step in a direction I need to go in. Making commitments…because I want to be able to post one day about KEEPING commitments. Scary.

There's just something about making a commitment.

...watching the sunset somewhere you've never been before.

About ten days ago, I decided I'd had it with my life and I needed a break. I just needed to "get outta town." Generally, that means I head to my parents house and chill, but somehow, even the four hour drive didn't feel far enough. So, as I pondered about where I should go and what I needed to do for my escape I decided I'd take advantage of an offer from my friend's, the Wright's, and head to the Shenandoah Valley in Virginia. Woodstock to be exact.

WOW! I LOVE THAT PLACE!

Seriously, if I weren't so attached to my family, and such a cry baby about needing to go to Idaho every few weeks (...and well, not so attached to my job, let's face it.) I'd move there in a HEART BEAT!

The first night I was there, Kodi and I were driving back from somewhere.. (funny I can't think of where right now)...and the sunset was simply breath taking. Colors splashed across the sky in a way that no picture or painting could ever capture. Then the moon rose, big and full and bright orange. There was this quiet stillness all over the valley that even with four kids in the back seat you could just FEEL. All I could say to Kodi was, "Just look at that sunset."

The next night, we were driving back to the house after my tour of some of the most beautiful homes EVER (.. I heart the River'd Inn..).. and there it was again, this amazing sunset, the enormous moon, the calming, peaceful feeling. I was again, taken back and nearly speechless and once more, my only words were, "Just look at that sunset."

I do actually notice sunsets all the time, and often take a moment or two just to enjoy them, but there was just something about the sunset there, in Woodstock, a place I'd only read about, that made me pause, REALLY pause and feel the peace that comes at sunset. A sunset that actually stopped me from talking not just out loud, but caused my brain to just stop, slow down, and take in it's calm.

I think that's the thing I really wanted to escape from, the noise in my head. It took a sunset somewhere I'd never been before-- to get the quiet, the peace, my soul had been longing for.

There's just something about watching the sunset somewhere you've never been before.

...jumping in a lake.

I heard a great analogy today. It can be applied to any number of life's situations. It goes something like this.

A young man , just nine years old, went boating with his family. He watched the adults and teenagers take turns wakeboarding, and begged his mother to allow him to have a turn. Soon, the opportunity presented itself, it was finally his turn. He went to the back of the boat and sat at the back with the wakeboard strapped to his feet.. that's when the fear set in. The young man WANTED to wakeboard... but that's all.. he merely WANTED to.


In order to actually wakeboard, there were a few things he would be required to do:

1- Get in the lake.
2- Be willing to drink a good deal of lakewater.
3- Accept that failure is a possibility..and be okay with it.
4- Try again.


It's funny how each of these steps can be tricky. Whether it's life, love, or wakeboarding we must do more than simply WANT something, we must DO it....

There's just something about jumping in a lake.

...a friend who really loves you...

One of my very best friends ever got married last Saturday. Joshy... (even his nickname proves his love for me. He hated it at first... when I started calling him Joshy that is, now it's how half of my world knows him).

I confess when Joshy first told me he was engaged I had mixed feelings. I was completely thrilled for him, I knew how he REALLY wanted to find someone, but at the same time, I know what happens when male friends get married... and it's how it should be... but it changes the relationship forever.

Josh made a point of ensuring Maria and I became friends. He invited me out for dinner with them, over to his house, encouraged us to do things together (6 a.m. at the gym can bond anyone).. and it worked. I'll love her forever. Very wise man that Joshy, he married an amazing woman.

Josh went back to work yesterday. Today, he called and asked me to go to lunch.

We sat on the plaza and chatted about the wedding, about our friends, about his family... it was almost like life hadn't changed. A little miracle I needed today... to know that even though our relationship has changed the fundamentals of it haven't.

There's just something about a friend who really loves you...